Updated on November 22, 2015
The Monster Green Alliance series of articles is based upon a very unlikely outcome to the 2010 British General election, where The Monster Raving Loony Party and the Greens find themselves forming a government. Having little political baggage they are free to approach political issues from a principled perspective
Famous Middle East Speech of Foreign Secretary the Right Honourable Malcolm Hatter Delivered in June 2010
[Introductions and felicitations]
The unusual circumstances which propelled the Monster Green Alliance to office are well known. Now we are here, we have a job to do.
As the Foreign Secretary of the United Kingdom, I have a duty to consider the present and future interests of the United Kingdom.
My job is to further the broad interests of the United Kingdom.
Any Foreign Secretary coming to office is drowned in a sea of minutiae about our relationships with over two hundred foreign countries. There are many demands upon my time and upon my intellectual powers. The only way I can deal with all this is to set my own agenda.
I have many highly educated and very competent officials to deal with these questions, and they will deal with these questions whoever is Foreign Secretary. My role there is general supervision, and to answer for any errors.
In setting my personal agenda, what is important to Britain where I as Foreign Secretary can make a significant difference?
Two pressing problems
There are two obvious problems. One is the Middle East, where there are frankly no easy answers. The other is the Falklands / Malvinas where at some point almost certainly there will be another war.
Given the reconfiguration trends of our armed forces, it will be difficult in 10 or 15 years time to recapture the Falklands again. As soon as the Argentinians know that we are not capable of recapturing the Falklands, pressure will grow within Argentina to invade again. It does not matter whether at that time the government of Argentina is a democracy or a military dictatorship. Any Argentine government will have to invade.
A sensible British Foreign Secretary recognises a future problem, and deals with it.
Today the government of Argentina knows that it cannot invade. It also knows that if Argentina simply sits, the time will come when Argentina can safely invade. The sensible strategy for Argentina at the moment is simply to sit, and to build its military capabilities against the time when they can be used. That is what they are doing.
Were any of you in the Argentine government, that is what you would do.
The Argentinians are not behaving dishonourably.
Coalite PLC
This audience may be aware that at 6pm tonight, by Order in Council, Her Majesty’s Government has seized the entire share capital of Coalite PLC. Coalite PLC owns roughly half the Falkland Islands. We are going to strip out that part of their operations that relates to the Falkland Islands, and then release the rest. We will pay fair compensation for their Falklands operations and property.
We are going to use our powers of compulsory purchase to purchase the entire Falkland Islands from their current owners.
The individual Falkland Islanders, each man woman and child, will each receive a resettlement grant of £250,000 with which to resettle anywhere in the world they wish to go. For a family of four, they will have one million pounds in their back pocket, plus property compensation if they own property.
I am sure some will say that what we are doing is unfair, but I do not think they can call their position “hardship”.
I call upon all countries in the world to accept any Falkland Islanders who wish to settle in your country.
So by Christmas we will have complete ownership of the Falkland Islands, and we will have emptied the Falkland Islands of its human population.
Government of Argentina
We ask the Government of Argentina to agree to and to cooperate in the next step.
This afternoon I saw the Argentine ambassador. I explained what we want to do, and I asked for the cooperation of his government.
I reminded him that the Government of Eire, supported by the people of Eire in a Constitutional Referendum, agreed to give up its claim to Northern Ireland in support of the Peace Process. I asked Argentina to give up its claim to the Malvinas, and to give its military guarantee to the protection of those islands.
He fairly said that he has no instructions in relation to the proposals I am making. No doubt he will be reporting to his Government tonight.
When the Balfour Declaration about a National Homeland for the Jews was made, no-one foresaw the Second World War or the Holocaust. No-one imagined that more than 60 years after the foundation of the State of Israel, Israel would be an armed camp surrounded by enemies. The Palestinians will fight because there is nothing else they can do. The neighbours of Israel will fight because the Israel problem is so large and because there is no pro-Israel sentiment among their populations.
The Jews must fight, because the Jews have nowhere to go.
The Jews had nowhere to go.
Empty Islands
I happen to have a group of empty islands at my disposal. If the government and people of Argentina will agree, I will offer the Malvinas as a national homeland for the Jews in place of Palestine.
The advantages to the Argentinians are multiple.
The Jews are on the whole well educated, technologically advanced, linguists, traders, manufacturers and agriculturalists. Were a new Israel to appear at the Malvinas, the opportunities for commerce and trade and investment are enormous for the whole of South America. Argentina is closest, and so would get the most benefit.
Another factor is that Argentina’s relations with the EU are not what they should be, despite the presence of Spain in the EU. This is because of the potential problem with the Falklands. If that issue disappears, Argentina’s relations with the EU become better. Argentina will also have the gratitude of the entire Arab world, which is worth a great deal.
Britain retains South Georgia, which carries with it entitlements in Antarctica.
We gain from the proposal. We will have avoided a future military and political defeat. We lost over two hundred men last time, and the physically and mentally scarred survivors are still with us today. We have spent billions since to defend the Falklands, and unless something significant changes we will be spending billions more to keep the Falklands. Our entire military planning over the last three decades has carried with it the possibility that we will have to recapture the Falklands. Without that problem we will have more freedom to configure our armed forces to meet our new needs. We will also gain credit in the Middle East for having helped to resolve the Israel problem.
During the transition, there will be a need for “boots on the ground”. I am asking the governments of China and India to lend some of their large armed forces as UN peacekeepers.
Palestinians
There are many Palestinians inside Israel and in the current Palestinian state who have claims on property in Israel. There are hundreds of thousands of Palestinians in the camps and scattered around the Middle East who want to return. They all want to be resettled and they all want compensation.
By common consent, the administrations of Saudi Arabia and Kuwait are the most efficient in the Arab world. I ask them to set up and to fund a Resettlement Commission to resettle the Palestinian diaspora. I am sure the European Union will support the Palestinians in their resettlement efforts.
There are lots of Israelis who will want compensation for the loss of their homes farms and businesses. The Israeli government is perfectly competent for that administrative task, particularly as they are receiving the Malvinas as a free gift. I am sure that the Government of the United States will financially support the people of Israel in their resettlement.
Will this solve all the problems of the Middle East? No it will not.
The issue of water will remain. But at least they will have the problems to resolve for themselves. The loss of Palestinian populations from all over the Middle East will cause some local difficulties as well as some local rejoicing. There will be readjustments, some of them painful.
What is in it for the Jews? They transport the State of Israel to a place where no-one hates them. They will have military guarantees from Argentina Brazil and the USA, but more important than military guarantees is that no-one wants their land. No-one wants to kill them. They can live in peace.
The money and effort they spend on Defence can go into generating wind power and wave power. The Falklands have wind and waves in abundance. Britain has technology in these areas and we will be pleased to help. The land of the Falkland Islands is not ideal for agriculture, but people who can make the desert bloom can raise crops in the Falklands. There is less land on the Falklands, but there is no-one else living there, and no need for land for Defence or for buffer use. No walls. No rockets. No danger from the neighbours.
There are many people who have died for the Falklands.
There are many many people who have died in the struggle for the Middle East.
Are they to be forgotten and is their sacrifice ignored?
I cannot speak for them. Any rational person would say that if we have the opportunity for peace we should take it. The alternative is to carry on killing my neighbour because my neighbour is trying to kill me. And we can pass that on to the fourth generation and the fourth generation after that. And the fourth generation after that
Britain
Britain is not being entirely altruistic. We are giving away land we currently hold in the knowledge that we cannot hold it forever. We are ending the Middle East crisis. We are avoiding deaths of British servicemen. We gain credit in the world for solving a seemingly intractable problem.
Argentina gains more economically from its new trading partner than it would gain from possession of the Malvinas. Argentina gains credit for its altruism.
There are loose ends. I hope the Palestinians will recognise the huge tourist potential of Jewish tourists to Jerusalem, and that they do not destroy Jewish heritage sites. The Christian Arabs I hope will have the choice of staying where they have always lived, moving with the Jews, or resettlement in South America.
This is an opportunity for Muslim and Jew and Christian to show the best aspects of their respective religions. The peoples of the book have so much in common that they should be able to thrive in the readjusted world.
There is detail to resolve, but if these broad outlines are accepted there is every opportunity for constructive peace.
And so I commend these proposals to the world.
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